Pastor’s Wife Confession: I Think I Need a Clique
Here’s another pastor’s wife confession that might get me into a bit of hot water:
You guys… I basically just admitted that I want a clique—at church!
I know, I know. That word—clique—can hit a nerve. Maybe it made you pause. Maybe it stirred something uncomfortable. For some of us, it’s not about high school anymore. It’s the moment you walk into the fellowship hall and feel like everyone else already has their people. It’s watching a group laughing together and wondering if they even noticed you walked in.
It’s sitting in a women’s Bible study, surrounded by voices, and still feeling unseen.
I’ve been there. Too many times to count. And while I might look confident on the outside, the truth is—I’m often battling insecurity.
So please, hear me out.
I’ve actually joked with people and given them the “assignment” of keeping the fun to a minimum after I leave a gathering. (It was a joke… mostly.) Because deep down, I hate the idea of missing something. The inside joke that forms after I walk out. The deep conversation I long to be part of. The bond that grows… without me.
What if I’m not invited into the closeness?
What if the connection happens when I’m not there?
What if I’m left outside of the very community I desperately want to belong to?
We All Need a “Clique”
That’s the heart of this, really: We all need a clique.
I chose that word intentionally—not because it’s the best word (it’s not), but because it’s the one I hear the most at church. It’s one of the top complaints I hear from women:
“The church is just too cliquey.”
And to be honest? That breaks my heart. And yeah, sometimes… it kinda ticks me off. Because I don’t think it’s always true.
Merriam-Webster defines a clique as “a small group of people who spend time together and are not friendly to others.” That last part is the key—“not friendly to others.”
Sometimes, sure, it’s true. And that’s not okay.
But a lot of the time? What’s perceived as a clique is actually just a group of people who’ve built deep friendships over time. They’ve lived life together. They’ve walked through pain and joy together. They’ve invested. That’s not a clique—that’s community.
And honestly? I want that. Don’t you?
I don’t know about you, but I can’t maintain close friendships with 400 people
I would love to know every woman in my church deeply—but let’s be real: I can’t have close friendships with 400 people. I’ve got a husband, kids, ministry responsibilities, and a to-do list that never ends. Some days I just want to crawl into the fetal position and cry because I feel like I’m failing at all the roles God’s given me.
I am one person. One part of the body of Christ.
And I need a safe place where I can be fully, honestly me.
Friendship Isn’t the Problem
There are people in our church who are in small groups, serving together, praying for one another, and showing up for each other. This isn’t a problem. It’s a gift. Community is good for our mental health, our spiritual health, and our sense of belonging. The church should be the place where we find friends who see the real us—and still love us.
But here’s the thing:
As a pastor’s wife, I often feel like I’m not allowed to have close friends at church.
If I go out with a few women, I don’t post pictures. I worry someone will feel excluded. That I’ll look cliquey. That I’ll hurt someone’s feelings. And believe me—I care deeply about those feelings. Loneliness is real. I’ve never felt more lonely or isolated than I have in this role. That pressure to be available to everyone while being close to no one? It’s exhausting.
Let’s Not Confuse Friendship With Cliques
I’ve seen people jump into church life with boldness—join a Bible study, serve, connect—and quickly feel at home. I’ve also seen those who desperately want connection but are paralyzed by insecurity, past wounds, or introversion.
Some people can plug themselves in. Others need someone to reach out first.
There have been seasons where I’ve been the one who couldn’t take the first step. I was smiling on the outside and unraveling on the inside. That person who seems happy? Might be struggling to believe they belong.
And yes, sometimes the “clique” label is accurate. People can be exclusive and even mean. I never want to minimize those experiences. But in most cases, it’s not intentional exclusion—it’s just… life and friendship happening in plain sight.
Even Jesus Had His People
Jesus had twelve disciples. He didn’t invite the whole countryside into every intimate moment. He poured into that small group deeply. And even within the twelve, He had three He was especially close to. That wasn’t favoritism—it was intentional discipleship and relationship.
And yet, Jesus also taught His followers to love widely—to serve, to include, to welcome, to care. That’s the balance I’m striving for.
I need “my people.” The ones who’ve walked through grief and conflict and prayer and laughter with me. People who already know my heart—and can handle it when it’s messy. That’s not a clique. That’s friendship.
Perception and Responsibility
Sometimes, people assume that a tight group at church is a clique. But what they might be seeing is a small group of friends who’ve invested deeply in one another. People who’ve shown up for each other during diagnoses, deaths, marriage struggles, and parenting crises.
The perception may be off—but the feelings it brings are still valid.
As someone who struggles with people-pleasing, I carry the weight of this more than I should. But I’m learning I can’t be responsible for everyone’s emotional response. What I can do is be aware, be kind, and be open.
We Need Authentic Friendships
I’m not advocating for exclusive groups that keep others out. But I am advocating for space to build deep, authentic relationships. That takes trust. Vulnerability. Time.
Sometimes years.
God brings the right people into our lives at the right times. He has for me, and I believe He will for you too.
Let’s Do Better, Church
Let’s stop labeling every group of close friends a clique.
Let’s start by inviting people in—especially those who won’t come in on their own. Let’s open our homes, even if it’s messy and all we’ve got is a Costco chicken and paper plates. Let’s say, “You belong here,” not just with our words, but with our lives.
And let’s also allow space for those deep soul friendships—the ones that carry us through the dark nights and remind us of the light.
Maybe, just maybe, we’ll find a few new “people” along the way.
One Last Thought: My Heart Lies
You might think I’ve got it all figured out because it looks like I have a lot of friends. But can I tell you a secret?
My heart lies to me. All. The. Time.
Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it?”
My heart tells me I’m not enough. That I’m not loved. That I’m being left out—on purpose. Sometimes all it takes is seeing friends plan something without me, and suddenly, I’m spiraling. I’ve learned to pause, breathe, and recognize when my emotions are louder than truth.
Jesus is the only one who can truly settle my heart.
Philippians 4:8-9 in the ESV says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
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If you’re feeling lonely right now, you’re not alone. There are two books I highly recommend: Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst and Find Your People by Jennie Allen. Both these books have helped me reframe those feelings and remind me that I am deeply loved—especially when I feel left out.
And if you’re feeling ready to take a step toward connection, here’s a post I wrote about inviting people over—even when you don’t have it all together.
Related Post———————->>> How To Make a Difference
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19 Comments
Carrie,
I think you are just the sweetest most “real” person I’ve met in a long time. I would love to get to know you and others in our church better. I know I come across like this mean, withdrawn person but trust me get to know me a little bit and you will wish I was withdrawn. I like your idea here, we do need to be a little more loving to each other.
Terri,
I have never thought of you as mean or withdrawn. You have always been lovely to me. Let me know when you are free, I’d love to take you to coffee or have you over for dinner 🙂
This is so true! You hit the nail on the head. You have been given such wisdom through your pain and trials. As a fellow recovering people-pleaser this is a huge struggle. Thank you for being vulnerable!I love you my friend! ❤
Brooke, Thank you. I was terrifyied to post this one. I know it is such a touchy subject. I’m grateful for all of the people who have been there to love me through the difficult times. You are one of those people. Thank you.
And thank YOU for always being there for me! So thankful for friendships lasting though time and miles.
What a breathe of fresh air it’s been browsing through your blog this morning 🙂
Thank you so much for saying that, Melissa.
Oh, Bear, this is why I love you so much. You are always true to who you are.
For much of my life, I, too, was a people-pleaser. Fortunately, I had friends who knew everything about me and loved me anyway. One of the reasons I love Bernie (my own pastor’s wife) is because she held me accountable. She is the one who would listen to me whine and say, “Stick a sock in it,” when it was exactly what I needed to hear.
We have also laughed and cried and traveled together. She had other close friends. Sometimes, they did things together without me. Yes, occasionally, I wished I had been asked to join. But I never doubted I was loved.
In one job, I was part of the group. We ate lunch together. I was promoted, and suddenly the others didn’t include me.
I said something to my boss. She replied, “The boss eats lunch alone.” I cried but knew what she meant.
You can be the pastor’s wife and have “normal” friendships. Before you married, I think Bernie tallied to you about setting expectations with other people. She used to say she loved having people drop in as long as they were willing to help fold clothes to clean off a place to sit.
I think your blog is helping people to know who you are, warts and all.
So very proud of you! Love you much.
Auntie Lorna
Thank you, Auntie. Your support and encouragement means the world to me.
This!!!! I love it so much ❤️ Thanks for posting!
Love this! I completely agree that the close friendships are so often mistaken as a clique and that gossiping only escalates these feelings in the church. I am the daughter of two methodist ministers, so I feel I can really relate to you and your message. Thanks for this post! Being a family member of a pastor is no easy task
It isn’t easy! I pray for my kids every day and try to let them just be kids. Thank you for commenting!
I was searching for another essay on this topic from a few years ago and found your blog here.
I hope you are finding your tribe, your close friends that let you be you even if you are the pastor’s wife. In fact, if you had entitled this essay The Pastor’s Wife Needs Friends, Too, I would not be leaving this comment.
But I believe words matter. From Oxford Languages: adjective: cliquey; comparative adjective: cliquier; superlative adjective: cliquiest
(of a group or place) tending to form or hold exclusive groups and so not welcoming to outsiders.
“a lot of boys grew up together, and the school was cliquey”.
If you are hearing a word a lot from your congregation, I prayerfully suggest you consider that they are speaking the truth about their experience.
There is insecurities and then there is my old roommate and many of her friends at a church known in my town to be “cliquey”. Leading small groups one weeknight in our apartment, attending a weekly improv night another weeknight, attending the social parties Friday night and Saturday night, sometimes Thursday, too, plus events put on by the church— 4/5 events that the church members would go to *each week* for over a year. I attended many of these events and would sometimes visit her church on Sunday before my own evening services elsewhere.
I watched her wave emptily to a foyer filled with 200+ people that she had seen just that night before, because no one cared that she was leaving, after trying to enter circles of her small group and all the others, and failing.
I was able to enter many of those circles, however. She was trying to connect with the people she knew; I would catch the eye of someone new in a circle that I had not seen at those many social events, and we would chat together while everyone else in the circle ignored us to talk about the party last night or the upcoming concert or what have you.
These fellow outsiders inside the circle would be someone in the circle’s non-Christian co-worker or roommate brought to church…
That was when I believed the ten or twelve people who had told me that that church was cliquey.
I visited a couple more times before my own church service just to stand alone in the hall and gather the misfits in conversation. And when I decided not to visit that church or see those groups again, I *did* instead meet with the 5 or 6 close friends I had met in the community.
You are right that we need close friends. I do not believe they are found in a clique. As C.S. Lewis says in The Four Loves, true friendship, unlike Eros, longs for more, the two would gladly have a third to share. Yes, it will be limited by human constraints.
But between 12 and 400 I believe there have to be nods and smiles and a welcoming spirit to the stranger or the awkward in our midst.
Would Jesus be able to spare a wave goodbye? I know he would, for He is full of that other love, Agape.
Thank you so much for listening; I greatly appreciate it.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m so sorry that you had that experience in that church. I know that it does happen. I in no way meant to discredit those experiences. I agree that “cliques,” where people are intentionally excluded, have no place in the church. I used that word because I think it often misused. I agree that if you hear a word used a lot, you should listen. But just as often as I hear people say that, I hear them say the opposite. I hear that this is the first church that immediately felt like they were part of a family. I watch people plugin on their first Sunday. We are really intentional about not allowing it to become “cliquy,” But, no matter what we do, someone always feels left out. I live in an area where less than 2% of the population shares my Christian beliefs. I need people who understand where I am coming from and I find them at church. However, on Sunday morning at church, I rarely get to talk to those friends because I am so focused on meeting new people or serving in another area. I put on a smile just like you said and wave to those as they leave. If I take a minute to catch up with someone that I know is going through something difficult, people get upset that I am not doing that for them. I really wish I had the capacity to deeply know each and every person, but I don’t. I pray that others are reaching out during the week to get to know people. It takes the whole body of Christ to make the church what it is supposed to be. It also makes me think how great it would be if the “misfits” in the corner would gather together for a meal and get to know one another. Honestly… I think we are really all just a bunch of misfits anyway. lol. Thank you again for sharing your heart today.
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This is a great article! I know at my church people said it’s “cliquey”, but we have to realize as people that we aren’t meant to be close to everyone. Some people connect better with others and these relationships shouldn’t be forced. The church is diverse enough to find someone to be I community with, you just have to figure out who you connect with. Yes, be loving and kind toward everyone, but also realize not everyone should get an easy access pass to you.
I agree, Amanda. I do think we need to do a better job of helping people find that community. That is my goal this year! 🙂
Evidently, you have never felt isolated by people in church who had their own private jokes–laughing in front of you while never explaining the context. Or talked around you while you were sitting there in the pew. Or told you politely that they didn’t need anyone else to help on a committee because they and all their friends were serving on it. Or forgot to tell you about events going on in the church–when they forgot to post said events in the bulletin (no other way to find out except word of mouth or phone/text). I’m sure you are comfortable and content with your friends in the church. Try looking out of your cosy little group and see the people who look lost and left out in your congregation.
I’m sure this reply won’t get published. I just hope you read it and pray about it. Because this post sounds exactly what a kind, sweet, clueless person would write to justify her position in her clique.
Annie,
Thank you for taking the time to share your feelings. I am so sorry for the hurt that people in your church have caused and I am sorry that what I wrote caused you pain. My intention was never to diminish that kind of hurt or to say that ACTUAL cliques don’t exist or are acceptable.
I have 100% experienced that kind of hurt and known many people who have walked away from church because of it. Christians can be jerks. Church-sponsored events should be open to everyone as a way to connect people and never exclude them. You are right.
What I was seeing happen in my church was that people were using the word “clique” to define any smaller group of friends who do things outside of the church or know each other more deeply. I wrote this post as a pastor’s wife who, at the time, was feeling very lonely. I didn’t have any close friendships in the church because I felt like I was not allowed. Building deeper friendships takes a lot of time, and it doesn’t typically happen for me in an environment where different people are coming in and out. Someone else commented that it should have been titled “Pastor’s Wives Need Friends Too.” I titled it what I did because that is the word people were using to describe something that wasn’t a clique.
If I invited one or two people to coffee and didn’t invite the whole church, I was accused of being cliquey. I am a people pleaser by nature (It’s something I really struggle with) so the thought of hurting people made me shut down and not get to know anyone. I really do want to know everyone in my church, but it is impossible to know everyone on a deeper level.
I think everyone wants to find their people. We all need community. We all need people who really know us. We were created for community. That happens in smaller groups.
Our women recently went through Jenny Allen’s small group study called “Find Your People”. I wish I had done that study years ago. My hope for every women in our church is that they would find a few women that they can connect with on a deeper level (not codependency, but people who know all the hard things you are going through. These are the people who you let call you out on your sin.) and we can still all come together and love each other as the body of Christ.
My point, that maybe I didn’t do a great job articulating, was that excluding people is bad, but we need to be allowed a space to build deeper relationships. I’m sorry if this didn’t come across in the post.